Today, I felt peace. I wasn’t expecting that. I’ve barely worked my other jobs this week. At some point, I’ll kick myself, for the money I could have made, but, right now, I am at peace.
There are times, with my meditations, that I think of emotions as drops. Drops of anger, kindness, grief, giggles. These drops are all interconnected. Sort of like how, in what seems like every kitchen, is that small box of four food colors. You know the ones. The ones with cones for tops that look like garden gnomes standing at attention. The red drops, even in a different box, are still red drops.
I haven’t been able to plan for my future very often in my life. From college and education, to career planning, and so on. So much of American life focuses on this. I know recruiters do. But I’m not a rung on a ladder. And… I’m alive today. I do need to be aware of tomorrow. But I am still alive *today.* What happens today will affect the future. One of my biggest frustrations with my ex was the amount of money he spent and his refusal to spend time or money to fix the house we were living in. Granted, it was his name on the mortgage, but that’s another argument entirely. I’m mentioning this because one of his arguments was that, oh, in two or three years, we won’t be living here anymore.
I gave up friends, making new ones, plans. Then I’d try to settle into the house again, because it would be a year later. Then the fighting would start again. I went through this for 11 years. 11 long years of battling over where my life *would* be. That his concession was that we could set money aside every quarter to fix something in the house. It never happened and was, for the most part while we were living there, MY money that went toward fixing things. And my name wasn’t on the mortgage. I do know he had to spend in order to get the house sold. I used to feel guilty about it. I don’t anymore.
When I feel peace, today, I know it’s connected to all the other times I’ve felt peace. Where I have stepped away from “what the hell is going on now” and “how the hell am I going to fix it this time,” I’ve learned to grab those days and simply BE.
I feel connected with the red tailed hawk I saw earlier this week. Pine forests I have walked through. Biking and hiking trails. Sitting in the woods as a child and letting birds land on me. Sitting on benches and watching the snow or standing in the rain or twirling around at three in the morning with my arms outstretched. Campfires and moments in the car with mom, as she drove and my sister slept in the backseat.
Those parts are parts of my life. The same as any other. As I sit and look around my house, my main living areas got a major deep clean and the floor space is more open. Peace. My cats. Peace and joy.
So, today, I slept. Dozed off and on. Reconnected with Self. I still feel the buzz of snoring in the back of my nose and I know that sleep was deep and restful.
Today, I am. I have let go. I am.