Katrin Greene’s Smashed Potatoes 2020 10 25

Yesterday. Yes, more yesterdays, but this one is happier. Yesterday, I called home, so excited. I was driving down a hill, in our spectacular fall weather, grey skies, gorgeous yellow and orange trees. It was a split second. This red tailed hawk fell from the electrical lines, snapped his wings out, and flew right over my car. Less than twelve feet from my windshield. Stunning. Absolutely stunning. It’s tail was as red as a cardinal. I watched as it soared around the tree, brilliant yellow leaves framing it.
Less than three seconds.
I love moments like these. Absolutely love them. They change me. My perspective.
Today, I tried something hard. Very, very hard. It flopped, but I got the answer I needed. And, in many ways, I’m glad it did. A private moment, buried in irritation. Buried in feeling anger over walking in on a road I know other people do, stared at as though I was scoping out someone’s business instead of being in a place of healing and contemplation.
I was trying to resolve conflict within myself. My heart had been beating, hard, most of the day. I felt exposed, as I had thought the time I had picked would remain private, and it had not.
In a moment, I had exposed my own pain. Left my car. Went for a last walk down this road I had chosen for myself, days ago. Half way, a hawk dropped out of the tree line, flying over a cornfield. It cried, soaring and wheeling. Chasing over the morning doves and hunting. It circled and circled and cried and cried. I stood, transfixed. Shielding my eyes from the sun.
The doves fluttered around, scared, and rightfully. Their wings sounded like dry leaves rustling in a gust of wind.
I decided, then, the hurtful comment that kept me from resolving this conflict previously didn’t matter. I’ve said it didn’t matter, for weeks. That the hurt had built up, inside me, and I had let it. That there wasn’t any shame, on my part. Only for not reaching out sooner. And if it doesn’t, whatever, it doesn’t. I’ve gotten through the worst of it, on top of trying to change my life and dealing with the drama at work. And to see this hawk, being what it is, hunting the way it did, enjoying the sunshine, crying out in sheer joy… I feel focused again.