It’s a day for quotes. I think the words I’m trying to avoid are “full circle.” That I’ve hit this point again. Seems like yesterday. And yesterday and yesterday.
I have the song, “Yesterday,” going through my mind, as I’m writing this.
“Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hangin’ over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly”
I recognize that I changed my writing and reading styles a while back. On many levels, my family was too serious. They took themselves too seriously. I heard this quote on the radio the other day. I’m sorry, but I don’t know who said it and I’m not going to take the time to look it up. Just know it isn’t mine. I will, however, be incorporating that into my mantras. It fits too well. This is paraphrased.
“I think teenagers should be kids. Because having wisdom as such an early age doesn’t seem like any fun.”
This is true. Any person who, at a young age, had to develop the skills to go out and get what they needed, from someone other than their parents, for stability or “the basics” or having to get a job at a very young age, knows exactly what I mean. And we get tired at an earlier age.
There’s another quote that’s sticking with me. From a bartender I used to know. Another missed opportunity, for a deep friendship, but … anyway. “If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.”
Alpha. Yup. Said it. Went there.
Alphas are. We exist. Every day. There’s different kinds of alphas, too. Most of us have been through so much shit, we are comfortable, even if we do complain about it, with shit. Doesn’t mean we like it. We are *comfortable* with it. I guess, with a situation I’m dealing with, I’m deciding about work life. I want a slower life. Half of what I talk about, with the conversion of my kitchen, my house, getting rid of possessions, and slowly extricating my ex from my life.
I have to say that dealing with Huffy’s negative personality has driven home a lot of lessons. About the person I used to be. Flipped, in some ways, for what I know was my reality. I was a big dog. Still am. I don’t have the patience to deal with someone who tries to be a big dog and never will be. I have enough I’m dealing with. It’s a daily challenge. One that is sucking me back into a life I don’t want.
My sister, with all the butting heads we do, says things so flatly at times, they are like boards to my head. “Why would I want to know what it’s like to be raped, or have an abusive ex?”
And she’s right. So painfully, obviously right. Why would anyone?
It irritates me, from a personal standpoint, that Huffy aggrandizes her situations to make herself look more badass than she will ever be. Could ever be. It demeans her. It demeans me. It demeans the other people who have to work with her. It demeans anyone who has suffered. I’m not saying what she’s feeling isn’t hurtful. It is. But it isn’t my problem and it shouldn’t be shoved down my throat every minute of every day, like it’s her right to do so.
Holding back on this, because it’s at work, makes it difficult to get through my day without chewing her head off. Especially combined with her officious, “I’m better than everyone around me” attitude. Every time I hear her comments, or call someone stupid, when I know she has no clue what that other person’s job could possibly entail, grates on my very nerves.
I could say, and did try to, at first, ignore it. I shouldn’t have. I should have nipped it in the butt, right then and there. I stopped being the kind of Alpha who dealt with that, to prevent this sort of build up. It isn’t healthy for anyone. What I want to say the most is: “stop wasting your life, and mine, by the way, by being something you aren’t. BE WHO YOU ARE. Uncover your blessings and stop taking everyone and everything around you for granted, just for your ego.”
I’m giving that blessing to myself, as well. My own stability. I had it, there, for a couple of weeks. Was almost comfortable to say “yes, I will stay here.”
I’m also giving myself the blessing of laughter. To unplug. I’m writing Holly right now. Because I still have hundreds of pages to strip out of both Hawthorne and Oak. I need to get my story lines dealt with and back on track. And put more humor back in.
I may not like these emotional crossroads I keep returning to. Coming full circle. But! I have a place to walk, now, without people. I have a room set up to get my workouts done, so I can lose weight. I miss Pi horribly and my house is still settling. I miss laughing every morning, seeing his Alpha male butt trot into the kitchen. I’m listening to Frank Sinatra more, to get some of that back. My other cats know there’s a change and we’re all coming up with new routines. New “good mornings” and treats to have at night. My sweater is almost complete. And I have someone coming to fix the dryer this week. The money to get that fixed. Two ways, with three backups in case they fail, for employment, with a steady value of income that I can work around. A crush that, while I gave up on it, still makes me smile. My sewing table is set up and I can work on quilts or manufacture hard copies of my books, whenever I want.
I may miss Magoo. But he missed out on jello and more giggles and what built the sunshine between us.
Slow. Giving up the anger at what’s been shoved down my throat and what’s been ripped away. Replacing negativity with productive. Replacing void with fabrics and fun. That’s the point. That’s been the point, all along. My rules, when I split with my ex. To keep my feet pointed in the direction I want to head in. To find other hard-asses who aren’t willing to take their reputation and images so damned serious, they miss out on life. To find sunshine out of thunderstorms. To find sunshine in sunshine. And fuck all the rest, because it didn’t belong to me, anyway.