Year: 2018

It’s been “cheesy” movie night here.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  I’ve had a lot on my mind the past couple of months, and even though I’ve tried to stay positive, seek the positive, the part of me that’s been unhappy has been, well… unhappy.  I’ve been focusing on good things in my life and they’ve opened up.  Invitations from friends and a brand new tattoo that I’m really happy about.

I made a decision about seven weeks ago that I’m unsure is the right one for me.  We’ll see how it pans out.  I’m thinking it won’t.  That’s on my mind, too, but I’m trying to be patient with it.  With myself.

Back to my movie night.  Because I just had a movie moment, watching a movie.  A teenage rom.  Not something I would normally watch.  They tend to make me squirm.  Like fingernails on a chalk board.

I was in the mood for silly this evening, since I’m exhausted from not sleeping last night and the night before and what I’ve had on my mind.  The first one I picked had Miley Cirus in it as a detective at a sorority house.  This is the kind of movie I watch when I don’t want to take anything serious.

The second one I picked, well, I was expecting the same and got a surprise.  Instead of making me squirm, I felt good at the end of it.  Things didn’t go according to “plan” in it.  No awkward teenager whose always missed the baseball who nails the ball for a triple home run at the bottom of the ninth.  (Yes, I am aware I’ve used that analogy a bit lately.)

On some of the dating sites I’ve been on and conversations with my other ex years ago (which is a very long story) I always want to say that- “hey, at this point in our lives, most of us are retreads.  We have relationship damage.  All of us.”  One of the reasons I love stories so much.  They have common elements and we know we’re not alone.

What I loved about this second movie, even though it was about a first love sort of deal, it was “realistic” in the timing, what was going on, and endlessly classic.  That seamless aspect of movies and books that I love.  It didn’t matter, not really, that it was a couple of young people.  If it had involved a couple in their forties, it probably would have worked out almost the same.  Not once in the entire time did I think- how cheesy is that?  Not one squirm.  Not one… hmm… I enjoyed watching Notting Hill, too, but there were parts of it that were painful.  This one from tonight didn’t exactly have that sort of jolting, denial, walkaway, crushing disappointment.

I could feel the frustration over the disconnect.  Why.  Why each person felt it the way they did.  There wasn’t any attempt at funny miscommunication or slapstick.  It was a movie you could actually SEE happening and why and it made sense without being overly painfully embarrassing or forcing humor or guilt.

This is something I love being surprised by.  A lot of paranormal romance novels, and others, even though I know, personally, how hard it is to fit two characters together in an intimate scene, or into a bubble, there’s some sort of B movie element to them.  Every once in a while, I’m surprised by them.  A concept.  Or a specific line that is so… well, obvious or so well stated, that it changes what I think about my own life.

I remember my ex (the one I normally mention) and I having a conversation several times in the earlier and middle parts of our relationship, that we were both glad we weren’t out there, on the dating scene.  And I have to say, I think that’s probably one of the reasons we stayed together.  Not exactly healthy, but I remember the relief we both felt about it.

I remember, when we split, about… oh, four months after the fact, realizing that I’d probably be alone for the rest of my life.  It was one of the reasons I gave myself so much time.  Time to react and time to basically mourn the relationship.  I started coming out of it about a year ago.

Tonight, as I was watching this movie, I didn’t turn bitter.  Instead, it was like… “huh”.  I know there’s still parts of me that are that innocent.  I’ve said that, recently, too.  And it was part of one of those books that I don’t want to publish.

Right at the moment, this isn’t a realization that I still have the rest of my life available.  It isn’t a letting go of more bad memories.  It’s not a thunk to the head.  It’s not a ploy for living on hope again.  It’s not a point of getting off the mat again.

It’s a huh.  Never thought of it like that, and…

Without much after that “and.”

Last summer, I was so happy to be in my 40’s.  And, in a way, I still am.  I’ve been fluxuating between feeling like my life is over and feeling like I have all the freedom in the world.  I’ve been so exhausted by the drain of a bad, long term relationship and the death of my mom, and all the other “my past” stuff.

There’s been a handful of times in the past two months, I’ve woken up and realized, I’m not as tired as I used to be.  That I’ve actually woken up happy- really, fully happy.  Tonight, even though I’ve been exhausted again with some of the unhappy of the past handful of months, I don’t feel that at all.

I feel… “huh.”

And, I’m looking over my shoulders and down my arms, and seeing these tattoos and it’s all connected, somehow.  I’m seeing the tat I got for my fiance, Adrian, and the love I felt for him then.  I’m seeing the new tat I got, for a morning where I woke up after what could have been a very bad moment and wasn’t, and the love I feel for that set of 24 hours and the person involved with it.  I’m seeing the love of a motto I have and I feel this… wonder… at the world.  Not a glittery wonder.  A wonder that’s reminding me of walks in the woods when I was young, camping trips where I showered outside in the snow in the middle of the night, reading in the sun, or picking apples.  And I know, without doubt, that there are still places like that in my environment.  I just have to uncover them again, the same way I go after mischief and room ball and building snowmen on my neighbor’s car…

 

Awesome evening.  I’m sitting here, drooling over the shepard’s pie I’ll be making tomorrow.  So yum.  This is a dish I make about once a week.  Most of Christmas is packed up.  I hit my limit with tripping over the furniture that gets moved to make room for decorations.  But it means fully converting my house over to winter, which I absolutely adore doing.

Over my TV is what I call my “fireplace.”  A shelf where several candle sit, burning cheerfully, and I can turn off the electric.  I’ve moved stuff around this year during clean up and the hammock chair is going in the corner, right under the icicle lights I strung up on the wall, on a timer.  A soft brown throw and it’ll be an amazing curl up spot to read or edit.  One that my pretty princess can’t steal.

Aside from this, as I’ve said many times, my bed is the coziest spot in my house.  The overcomforter is one that’s been around for nearly twenty years and still is as soft as ever.  This space is what I have to fight with the cats about.  It’s usually amusing.

Part of my heart is always given over to knowing they are safe and happy.  Seeing the fear of an abused or neglected animal melt just about makes my day.  Any day.  Sometimes, when I approach the mattress, and I see one of those faces resting in complete peace… sigh.  That’s my moment of peace.  And those little buggers know it.

There’ll be a subtle digging in with the back feet.  Nestling down into the comforter and a deliberately relaxed, closed-eye “look,” where I’m basically being told- “hey, mom, sleepy here.  you wouldn’t wake a resting kitten, would you?”

Or, if you have a cat in your house, you know the pounce that happens when the sheets are “disturbed.”  I’ll get two of them that will deliberately sit on the same corner so I can’t lift anything.  Sometimes, they even do that when I’ve been asleep so I can’t get out of bed.  Little shits.

So while I also enjoyed going outside and playing with my snowblower tonight and watching shoots of glitter snow fly into the air, I have this peaceful, fun, joyous, gently bloop to look forward to, with the twinkle lights on the wall, and my candle fireplace going, and oh, yeah, more murder, death, and mayhem to plot out in my story lines.

Have fun, y’all!

Awesome new idea for a game came to me today.  I’ve been keeping Survival: Worms in the back of my head for a bit.  Needs work.  This one?  Survival: Chili.  A faster game than Survival: Heaps.  Still some sort of resource management, but it’s both cooperative and competitive at the same time.  Can’t wait to get started on it.

Survival:Heaps expansion packs will be out by March.  Still looking at packaging for them.

I’ve also gotten back to Plots and Drops, my role playing game.  Editing can be awful, especially since I keep coming up with new ideas.  I have to put them down on a side note for a new adventure.  That should be coming out by June.

Jana’s got some cool ideas for the cover of Ash.  Sorry it’s a bit late coming out.  After Ash, I’ll be putting together the final edits for LampLight and Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing.  Super excited to get both my other series and the book that started it all out.

One of the best things Jana’s done for me so far is drawing a picture of Moe.  (Haven Point series.)  I swear, it could be a photograph.  It’s hanging on my wall, with the two book covers she’s done so far for Novo: Ridge Lake, behind my desk.  All I have to do is turn around and see this rottweiler that I dreamed up years ago, almost come to life.  I’ve decided to incorporate it into LampLight as a photo that Jaimie keeps in her wallet.

Why am I putting all this down?

After the past couple of months, I need something to look forward to.  With all the hard work I’ve put into these, watching my series come to life is life to me.  Outside of my pets.

I will probably mention this, oh, about a thousand times in these posts…  The memory of when I hit “publish” on my first novel.  I was shaking.  Angry about being alone when I did it.  I was frustrated with the people in my life not being around for it, having to fit what was so important to me into someone else’s schedule when I’ve been made to wait for most of my life.  While that’s a negative, I want you to understand where I was, in my head.  The moment I finally had everything down the right way…  yes, I was shaking.  Nervous.  While my anxiety/anticipation is sometimes high, it’s rarely THAT high.  This crowning spot in time where I had DONE IT.  All the nay-saying was futile.  All the work was done.  All the doubt crashed on my head and went away.  And then…  someone did something absolutely wonderful for me.

I don’t cry very often.  I celebrate even less.  But that night… it’s as clear as a bell in my head.  I was exhausted but I didn’t stop grinning for a week.

I can tell you exactly when Beth started to become real.  (It wasn’t the first book I had planned on publishing.)  It was when Jana handed over the finished cover art.  Before I digitized the graphic and added in the title and all that other stuff.  It was about two weeks before I published.  I remember standing at her counter and I couldn’t contain the joy.  For the first time in my life, I felt like I was holding on to a live wire.  In a good way.  Not fried out, like I get from dealing with the crap life shoots out.  Good.  Happy.  I drove home, in the winter, much like it is now, 13 months ago, and I can tell you I sang at the top of my lungs all the way, for an hour and a half.

Those two moments, seeing the finished cover and hitting the publish button, opened me up inside.  My past, all of it, was completely dimmed by this excited, jittering happiness and led me to open up other parts of myself.  So much that I was able to let someone in and find parts of me that I thought were gone forever.

I got the same thing when I showed my sister the completed prototype for Survival:Heaps.

I hope I never lose those feelings.

Seeing the cover for Ash will be huge for me.  It was the easiest book, so far, for me to write.  Jana’s been very patient with me and my ideas and very tolerant of the changes.  But she came up with such a cool concept when mine didn’t work out so well.  I can’t wait to see it.  Especially since I wrote the original dedication for this one three years ago to someone I can’t thank enough for the kindness they showed me.  I added to it, this year, for another, because I honestly don’t know where I would be without those two people entering my life.  I honestly don’t.

So while I’m saying this so close to the new year, it isn’t a resolution.  It’s my joy coming out, knowing that, very shortly, I will have another one of those moments.  A slew of them, for the past five years of hard work and not giving up.

Bless you all.  Have an awesome day.