This morning, I woke up from such a realistic dream, I actually grabbed the sheets and asked “What?” Outloud.
Of course, this was an invitation to the cats to come sit on me, my face, my pillow, and I was assaulted by more than one cold nose.
It was a very pleasant dream. Someone came to me, asking for help with something he needed to do. Okay, that part wasn’t pleasant because it was for his dying father. It wasn’t a drama thing. He just wanted to get his father out of the house and take the man to watch a movie somewhere, where his dad could still be safe and healthy, but not have it be like a hospital or his sick room in their house. But my friend couldn’t think of a place. That was where I came in. Totally cool and something I would do in actual life.
There wasn’t any huge festival or grandiose gesture of thanks. A simple thank you and a comment. In this dream, I sat with four people, watching this movie. A real, actual movie, playing on a tv set, with a couch and a recliner, in a blue room with plants. And yes, I watched the movie. In the dream.
After I woke up, with cold noses, I was adjusting to reality. What I can think is… “what a lovely way to say goodbye.” The friend from the dream is a real person. We haven’t spoken in a while. You know how life gets in the way and you can never quite get that back. But this dream was so real, it was as though what needed to be completed was. No fighting. No “you said this, you stupid moron.” No tears. Simply a pleasant dream, spending time together.
One of those moments where you almost wish it would continue forever and you know it won’t. Trying to make it last would ruin the gift and the beauty.
Since adjusting to reality, because, just because I’m awake does not necessarily mean I am coherent for more than immediate need, mostly, I’ve felt peace. I’ve decided to stay in that sleepy wonderment for the remainder of the day. Not forcing the dream back into my mind. Not shoving it to the back burner.
I completely lost my shit last week. I’m fed up with a lot of things. Jana, bless her, listened to me kavetch for a while and gave me some very simple advice. Advice I’ve given to others that I needed someone who wasn’t causing me adjeda to say to me. So this day of peace is well worth investing in.
I said to her: “I don’t know how to dream anymore. The one that I’ve managed to hold on to [getting my books out], you’ve helped me with and still are helping me with.”
Exploring my curiosity is one thing. Dreaming and making plans on those dreams is quite another.
Her response was this, not exact… “Stop investing in people who don’t give any energy back. Pull back and stick your hands in the garden, because those plants and flowers will respond to anything you give them. Work on those plans when you get hurt. Keep working on them instead of investing in pain and depleting yourself.”
Yes. The very reason I started this blog. What I have been saying for a long time. It’s time to stop.
I can’t begin to put to words what it feels like to see someone who has had the same type of problem repeat the words in my head, that I have said to others- both to encourage them to heal or to encourage them to stop hurting me.
The closest I can come is peace. Acknowledgement. Click.
And if I hadn’t had that, I think my peaceful “goodbye” dream wouldn’t have happened.
So even though it’s raining today and I can’t get the roto-tiller into the front yard, I am looking at the gorgeous mandevilla I bought, listening to the birds, seeing gold finch and cardinals and sparrows and robins and grackles flit around. Several trees on my street have been blooming with all sorts of pretty shades of petals. And I have a murderer to thread through Lamp Light a little more succinctly.
I think in between that, feeling the peace of a good goodbye, laundry, and chasing the cats around, I’m going to get out my bow. Shoot a few rounds into the target. Sweep the floor, make dinner, and then climb into bed and see what another night of sleep will bring me.