If you’ve read any of my blog, you know that I am happy to be in my 40’s instead of my 20’s.
While I’ve tried my damnedest lately to put my love out into the world around me, I must confess, a large part of “me” has been rather miserable for months. What I’ve been struggling with is that I am healing. Rather large parts of me are healing. I get sick of saying that.
More importantly, beyond the healing, I’m starting to feel the loss of letting go. Sort of weird, since that’s been kind of the point.
There’s been books and movies that are like a rock to my head. Completely changing my perspective on how and what and who. I had a conversation recently that was one of those “well F’ing duh!” moments, to clean up one of a friend’s favorite sayings.
As I’ve said repeatedly, my ex and I warred about a lot in the second part of our relationship.
This latest rock to the head, that had absolutely nothing to do with anything other than a TV show, sort of snuck up on me. A comment that a friend made. Three days later, I was getting ready for sleep, and all sorts of little things in my head went… “click.”
Parts of me still wonder at what, exactly, changed in my long term relationship. Because I can pinpoint it to a single conversation. I’m doing that less and less. But I can tell you, early on, one of the moments that absolutely melted me, with my ex.
I was having a rough night. A very rough night. Me ex did puppet theater with stuffed animals on the end of the bed to make me laugh. I actually wound up snorting, almost not making it to the bathroom, because I was belly rolling so much.
What I can also pinpoint was a change in how I viewed relationships, as a whole, and life in general. It was a book I read. A romance novel. And if you had asked me at the time, what I was reading, I would have bluffed it off. Jennifer Crusie’s “Anyone But You.”
A very simple love story. Funny. Quirky. No paranormal. No intense drama. No life-altering injuries or car accidents. Just two people, neighbors, meeting and finding they have things in common.
There was a section: “I want a woman who has a burning need to be with me and watch old movies and laugh.” Alex Moore is referring to his dating life and how he doesn’t want to be with someone who is only looking at him as a breeding ground.
I have to say, this changed my mind on a lot. I’ve miscarried. A lot. And I’ve never had that time in my life where it seemed like all my friends/family were getting married and having babies. This isn’t a regret or anything and for me, personally, I was always of the mindset that if I had a child, I did. If I didn’t, I didn’t. I don’t know as I could deal with a young child now, and it is both happy and sad that I am in my 40’s. I know I could have years ago and been quite happy. I also know that the miscarriages had a lot to do with why my relationship ended. I’m not going into the whole of that.
What I got to thinking about, after I read that book, was that I didn’t want someone looking at me like I was a breeder or a mattress to bounce on- the two extremes.
Looking back on my life, I can see why I fell for the people I did. How I melted, inside, and when. Part of my feeling loss is that I think I wound up cheating myself out of being aware of other ways of having a relationship by staying in the one I did. Someone who had a better sense of humor, or more patience, or wanted to be with me, instead of living up to parental expectations.
There is someone I miss, that I’ve met since my ex and I broke up. Someone who could have been an incredibly close friend. I stopped it from going to a really bad place for both of us because, like with my ex, I can’t live life in an image-conscious world. Nor can I deal with someone with a snap temper or makes assumptions all the time.
It’s the loss of laughter and the loss of being around someone who did actually understand me. Quite well, in fact. I knew it would have ended badly. The friendship did end somewhat hard, and that I do regret to a small amount.
The thing is, even with all of this, I’m sitting here, listening to love songs on youtube or waiting for them to come on the radio. Letting them melt away my disappointments and losses. Not something I ever expected to be doing. I don’t feel the need to bury myself in hard rock music anymore, and I can listen to Daughtry or Metallica and just let it pump me up and dance. I sing, off-tune, at the top of my lungs, and I no longer care if it’s sappy.
I’m thinking about “Anyone But You” and letting it not only take away the sting, but also… helping me figure out what I want in life, because that’s a heck of a lot harder than figuring out what I don’t. And I honestly don’t believe that you have to be in your teens or twenties to find all that warmth and comfort of a good relationship. I’m thinking about comments someone made, about their own relationship, another about a TV show, and going “huh, well, that mentality explains what went wrong and I can let it go now.”
I’m thinking about how I feel after shooting bow or working hard in my garden. That I really can change my life around and not keep putting energy into people anymore that can’t see what’s important to me. Because there are love songs and stories out in the world. There are people who get married a second or third time. There are people who get their high school diplomas at 86 or retire into a second “career” that holds their passion. People who remake their lives from utter disaster. People who make their families.
So while I do feel the loss, it’s going to be okay. I can eat this elephant and come out the other side. There is such goodness in the world and I’m only going to miss out on more if I keep banging my head against a wall of someone not hearing me or assuming what I am saying or that I am waiting around for. I bought a gorgeous mandevilla for my garden, some fruit bushes, a couple of nut trees. My peonies are going to come up strong and healthy. My rose bush is going into it’s third year of growth. And I am going to get over a gallon of blackberries this year. Well over. So much more important.