Love Is…
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I can tell you what “Love” is not. More than I can tell you what love is. More often, I can tell you what love is not, simply out of the survival of my life. If I have survived anything, anything, it is the repeated rug-ripped-out from under me. If I have forgiven anything in my life, which few would ever realize I have done as I give it without being asked, it is the daily rejection of simply the desire of spending time with someone who actually gives a damn and doesn’t give the emotional punch first.
It is not a checklist. It is not asking someone repeatedly what they want.
It is not a check. It is not giving someone so many things to hold on to because you are not around. It is not a list of activities or items to pick through, as though that is the point.
It is not taking your child to a park and sitting all day in the sun reading a book while they play.
It is not fitting someone into your schedule. It is not telling someone that there is a schedule open in your life. It is not telling the person you supposedly love all the hoops they have to jump through. It is not telling the person you care about- hey, we can do this and I made sure to leave the time free, even though I have all this other stuff going on.
It is not making a commitment to a person, then leaving them to be with your friends, night after night after night and telling the person you supposedly love that they will eventually get around to them; telling them in actions, deeds, and sometimes words.
It is not bringing someone dinner because they have to work late, to make yourself look better, because you need to show the world- “hey, I’m that guy.”
It is not setting up a schedule that someone else has to always work around.
I can tell you what love is, to me.
It is celebrating those moments: birthdays, promotions, new jobs, the car getting fixed. It is celebrating those moments without the added zing-slap of all the other things that you pushed aside to be there and cramming it down someone’s throat. It is being aware of someone else’s life enough to not have to find the time. It is that you make the time without emotional guilt built in because that’s what you want to do.
I can tell you that love, in all its wondrous forms, is thinking of someone else and saying – “hey, you’re important enough to me that I think about you during the day.” For those I love, they are never far from my thoughts and I do not hesitate to say it or act on it.
I can tell you that my love shines every time I walk in my front door. It is waiting for me and I am waiting for it, coming home at the end of the day. I can tell you it is there when I do chores and find the time to play with the cats or give them scritches. I can tell you it is there when I write and have one of my four footed babes tap-tap-tap me on the leg or jump in my lap. I can tell you it is there when I am in such pain, all I can do is crawl back into bed and my cats come to see me and comfort me, because of my distress. I can tell you it is there when my toothless boy comes and nibbles on my fingers and barks at me until I giggle. He gives comfort and licks my hands and face. I can tell you it is there, when I have planned surprise parties, and Easter egg hunts, and written games for birthdays, and made cakes and favorite dinners. And I rarely ever have to say: “what do you want?” or “gee, I have all these other things are going on in my life.” I make the time to celebrate. I make the time to say- “hey, your birthday is coming up, let’s do something fun” or “T-day is around the corner- why don’t we go try this new restaurant I’ve heard about?”
And you know? I’m done pretending not getting that back in return doesn’t hurt like a mother f…..r. It hurts. And I’m not ashamed to say it.
I will go where the love and acceptance is: Home.
I can say, for certain, that when I write, I write for this. Each person has a different definition of home. I have been slammed for almost my entire life for wanting too much or expecting too much, when all I have ever asked for is time without the emotional baggage train that most feel is necessary to make me feel- that I should be grateful that they “found” the time, sometimes after weeks of waiting, even though they do not ever see that is what they are doing and can not hear it when I try to speak. Is it really too much to ask to have someone celebrate something good and positive in your life?
When I started writing LampLight, this was me dealing. And I found a love of my characters. When I started writing Novo, it was me trying to find a way to not kill off a character, and in the process of writing the Ridge Lake series, I took parts of my personality and put it into each character.
I can tell you it hurts when you meet a guy that you could have more with, but you know better. Because you are available and they tell you all the times they can not see you. I’ve had it happen more times than I can count.
I can tell you it hurts when the people closest to you don’t understand when they do the very things you’ve asked them not to, then call it a present, it rips into your heart.
I can tell you it can make you ill inside, enough that you do not wish to get out of bed.
There comes a point when you don’t have to accept being forced to feel grateful anymore. Especially when they basically wind up saying- hey, I’m trying to prove to you that you’re wrong by once again doing the very thing that rips you apart.
This is why I take responsibility for staying in the relationship that I did. Because I accepted less and less each time. Forgave each time. Put my marriage first, each time.
So now? I seek a different path.
I’m in shut down mode now. I am in extreme pain. And I look around me and see the love I have built inside my home, for myself and my cats, and I know I am home. In my space. I will get through this again. This is the love I built for myself. For the good days, when I celebrate, and for the bad, like I am dealing with now. It is wonderful that I have such blessings for me to reach out to and know that is the gift I gave myself.
Give yourself that gift. Take that time. Live and love yourself in all the ways possible.