Honestly, I don’t exactly know what I’ve done differently lately. I know the PTSD is still there and I still need to manage it. I’ve got some major stress going on in my life at the moment, stresses that would drastically affect someone without PTSD. You know- car repairs, cats sick, bills. But I have to say? Right now and for the past couple of months, even though Murphy has come to visit me quite a bit and I’ve had a few gut checks, I’m happy.
I think part of it has been seeing Survival:Heaps on the shelves at Play the Game, Read the Story, in Syracuse. I know that some would see that as a product plug but that’s not why I’m putting this out there. I’m very appreciative. Having Chris, Jason, and Kevin take a chance on Murder By Six products and having them to talk to has made a world of difference for me.
Jason has been great. He’s very knowledgeable in the game world. Sometimes, I ask a question or make a comment, and he tells me a piece of information that helps me smooth the way for what I’d like to see happen. And it backs up what I learned in my online publishing classes at LERN.
There’s times I wonder what I’m doing. Am I wasting my life, like I did in that long-term relationship? I see another product and I think to myself- “why do ___, when ___ has already done it?”
There’s other times when I think- “hey, I can do this” or “why can’t I do ____? There’s nothing stopping me.”
The other day, after I came home from my long day of the Farm Show and running errands, I had stopped down at the game store to ask for some help finding a present, I sat down to take a break. Turned on Netflix. Some of my favorites are no longer in the line up and I was a little bummed.
“Leverage” is one of them. And I don’t know of any other shows like this one. Smart, funny, sassy, the bad guys are good guys who still have some serious drama going on and some major flaws.
What Jason had said to me, while I was at the store, sort of hit me. I miss watching Leverage and there isn’t really another show out there, that I know of, like it. That’s my take-away. That my games and books ARE like others. That there ARE people out there, like me, who want more. Jason’s words- that I am niche marketing. Not MASS-marketing. I knew it. But it was really nice to have someone in the game world say that. To have that sort of casual support instead of the cut-down I’m used to. Especially since I know Jason would say that sort of thing to anyone.
It’s one thing to feel that way, inside yourself. I think it’s awesome that somewhere, out in the world, those thoughts get reflected back in a good way. Yes, I can do this. With mistakes and successes, in my slow-paced manner. And you know what? My accountants have done the same thing, even though there’s been groans a lot at some of my decisions. The staff has been very helpful at keeping me out of trouble and making really, really stupid funding mistakes. (Bless you, Tim! Bless you, Mark! You both have had a lot of patience with me…)
And I can’t mention any of this without mentioning Jana. I really can’t. Meeting this woman two years ago has really changed my life.
I am going to get back to Oak now, and get back to finishing up the tasks I’ve set for myself today. I just want to say- even if you only take one step today, it’s a step. Some days, you won’t. Some days, you’ll run a marathon. I look back, ten years, and I see so clearly what I should have been doing. What I started twenty some odd years ago. And, even though I see the sadness I used to live with, I can see ten years from now, when I couldn’t before. I see happy.