Just had a moment.
It’s been a whirlwind week for me. A birth (yay, Jana! So glad Pheonix is in the world) and a death (Sorry, Bill and Shannon, for your loss). Lots of personal stress.
I do think people come in and out of a person’s life for a “reason.” Sometimes, to help us grow and build. Sometimes, to teach us a lesson. I am reminded of a saying- “Education is what you get when you don’t get what you want.”
Earlier this week, amidst these things that we can not control that shape who we are, I’ve been dealing with past events. The ones I don’t want to think about anymore and say that I don’t. Ones that I am partially responsible for. The ones I am trying to make not matter. I struggle because these events helped shape me and what I believe in. They matter a great deal.
Someone who is sort of like me but doesn’t know me personally all that well said- “doesn’t ___ know that they are exhausting you?”
She could see it in my face. My tone. My outlook.
I wrote my letters. Did the “work” to get that crap out so I could either decide what to do or to let go.
In one, I said, “See these pictures? See the same dead look in my eyes from 25 years ago? I can’t fake being tired anymore. I can’t fake putting on a smile when I don’t feel it. Not anymore.”
By the time I was done, I came back to the same thoughts and feelings I had years ago. And years ago. And years ago. At the end, I wrote: “While that isn’t your responsibility, I can never go back to living that way for anyone. Not even someone I consider to be _____. The only way I get me back is to live it. … LIVE it. Because the person I “used” to be would ____.”
The other: “You cut me down, repeatedly. I give to you. Be some part of stable and normal for you. And you give to others and come back at me for not giving enough, not caring enough, while you continue to take from me and expect that I will keep giving. Does it ever fully connect in your brain that I don’t give to others as much so that you have what you need, while I still try to take care of myself?”
I wound up not sending either, to either person they belong to, because it’s time for me to walk out of the classroom, even though I know this will bring back more cutting remarks about how apathetic someone else views me to be. I can’t control the world. I can control my part in it.
After I wrote those letters, I realized that, even though the action of writing them helps me figure out my messes, it IS banging my head against a wall. The very thing I keep bitching about. I looked at the pictures I had put in. I looked at me. And I saw the same exhaustion that someone else does and recognizes for what it is.
That was the gift someone gave me this week.
After those letters, I felt better. Came back to me. I’m still drained but instead of focusing on the crap, I got back to working on Velod’s Caravan and doing the editing I need in order to get the game out. I felt wonderful. Like I had shed years of bluck.
And this morning, as I’ve been sitting down to work, those thoughts of bitterness started creeping back in. I stepped out of the house and ran an errand. On the way back, one of my neighbors approached to speak with me.
Her message was clear. While her belief system is not my own, I do believe there are people and moments and places that help keep us on the right track if we would only listen. This morning was one of them: Keep my chin up. Not every day will be like this. You may have been here before, but this is the opportunity to change. It’s time to walk out of the classroom. Time to stop beating my head against the wall. If I am going to seek fun and laughter, then seek it. Don’t bother stopping or traveling those twisted pretzel rabbit holes. LIVE.
I am uplifted. By two people I barely know who can see and stopped me to say- “hey, go in that direction instead.” Same message someone else who does know me has been saying: “Stop. Take two steps back on your own and go elsewhere. Don’t be ashamed of what you feel.” The same message I’ve given to others. That gentle nudge.
I feel blessed by this. By remaining open to this.
Serious. Gentle. But by the end of the day today, I will get back to me. I will get back to fun and letting my passion fly. It’s already started. I’ve been dive-bombed twice by my Maine Coone, the music is on, and I have plans to watch Keeping Mum this evening. Why bother banging my head against the wall if I have all that to look forward to? All I have to do is leave the door open for amusement and I will find it. And to do that, I am going to put on a favorite pair of funky socks that will let me slide across the wood floors to play a day-long game of chase and oops.
Have an awesome…