Katrin Greene’s Smashed Potatoes 2017 12 30

Sighs.  So torn right now.  Giggles?  Irritation?

I’ve been trying to avoid things in my head for a while.  That compartmentalization thing I’ve been mentioning.  Usually, this works for me, to let go of bullshit.  Not working right now.  Neither is distraction.  Although, what just happened is giving me quite the giggles.

Humor has always been a good way for me to simply be.  It became a drama thing in my family, especially related to me.  Control issues.  Blah, blah, blah, blaahhhh.  Doesn’t change the mischievous side of me.  Only forced it down.  More of those “didn’t actually have anything to do with me” circumstances.

At the moment, I am in four different situations that I’ve been in so many damn times, I can accurately predict when the explosions are going to happen.  Over things that could be pleasant.  Notice the word “could.”  My anxiety?  Not sure that’s the right word there, but it’s high.  Not where I want it.  What I’m feeling is nothing new and I really am sick of dealing with it.  As I’ve been saying since I was 14.  Nothing I do really seems to get me to a better place or a place where resolution can happen.  I don’t believe in forcing a fit and I do believe that, in so many contexts, I have no control over any of these four situations.  I only know that I don’t want to keep living through them or the mental sandpaper and burn that occurs around them.  That’s the avoidance deal.  I don’t want to be a dick, but I’m sick and tired of the emotional ping-pong where I am always at a loss to stop the problem and then made into the bad guy over it.

So.  Crossroads.  I am at this impasse, yet again.  Deal?  Speak?  Ignore?  Walk away?  When I’m not responsible for them in the first place?

It’s around 10 AM.  I’ve been awake for a bit.  I have classes that I need to finish, (they take about an hour or so for each), for a license that I have.  I need to concentrate.  Two down, two to go.  I have bills to pay.  I have an event tomorrow that I’ve been looking forward to for a while, and I am even more cranky l because of these 4 problems, when I just want to enjoy my day.  I have books I want to finish and a new board game I’ve been working on for a bit.

So the giggles.

Now that I live alone, for the most part, my pets are my chaotic side, come to life.  So it’s little wonder I would choose to be around them instead of… ____.

My cat, the one that’s had three operations for cancer, is waiting for me.  I love to see his prance.  He wants fed.  His wet food.  He dances into the kitchen and sits on the counter and gives me a look.  Not irritation.  Anticipation.  I get so amused when he does this.  Because I know he’s going to start barking like a squirrel in a moment, nodding his head.  Cracks me up.

I wait a moment.  I talk to him.  “Yeah?  Yeah?  You want something, huh?”

The yawn.  The big yawn where I can see almost all the way down his throat and his head bounces up.  A little squawk.  And then… Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.  More squeals.

This morning’s rendition has me going “nyuck, nyuck, nyuck” right along with him… and then… it happens.  Completely out of the blue.  I wind up with Curly Shuffle going through my head.  Dancing around the island of my kitchen, with a fork in one hand, a bowl in the other, bouncing my right foot as I sling myself backwards…  Sighs in amusement.   This is going to stick with me for the rest of the day.