Ever notice how anything against grey pops out?
There are a lot of cloudy days in CNY but I love them. This past week has been lovely. Across the street from me is a gorgeous red bud tree. All summer, it’s leaves are reds to purples. Next to it is a very healthy aspen.
A lot of people think I don’t leave my house much because of problems or because I’m shy. The truth is, I love it. I love being home.
On sunny days, I am surrounded by a blanket of green (and one spot of reddish-purple). Green trees, green grass, green plants.
On grey, storm cloudy days in the summer, I look across the street and see these bombs of color, and all the hundred year old maples on the other side of the houseline turn into EVERY shade of viridian. My neighborhood is FULL of old trees of all sorts, and beyond the back yard- 150 year old maples and huge dusty green pines, despite living close to downtown. Emeralds and limes and that lavish hue of deep cedar. All those colors that I can’t see on a sunny day.
From the end of August to November, the front of my yard blooms into pinks. My cosmos stand taller than I do and I feel like I’m in a fairy forest. I get Spring and Fall at the same time.
There’s been a light, misty rain several days this week, with that multi-grey overcast sky and I’ve gone outside so many times just to look, in wonder, at all the beauty surrounding me.
Fall is coming. This thick blanket of green is turning and soon, reds and browns and violent oranges will assault and overwhelm the area. Yes, it is my favorite time of year.
These past six months have been odd for me. I’ve been home so much, after being sick. I’ve thought about switching main careers for the past year. I’ve cleaned up so much clutter in my life. It’s been hard. Looking at a lifetime ago and feeling, for the first time, that it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. I’ve traveled these mental pathways before. Through my twenties and thirties. Actually driving to places I used to live in some sort of effort to let it all go. Some times, that helped. Sometimes, it made Life harder.
What changed this time? I decided, like when I left that part of my life behind, most of it didn’t matter any more. Sure, it bugs me. The hard parts are still going to be there. Knee-jerk reminders of a life I never wanted to live again. After ending a long-term relationship, you wonder where you made the wrong turn.
Mom’s been gone now for six years. I’ve been floundering without her. Without having to take care of her. Without seeing her face light up in amusement with the cats or to look out into our neighborhood and see all those same colors I do. Without her twisted sense of humor.
This summer has been painful, confusing, alarming, and I let myself feel. As much as I could. Especially with all the bad things that have been going on. And you know what? It’s been an amazing experience, now that I am through most of it. There has been trust gained, trust broken, catharsis, new adventures, lethargy, severe confusion, anger, sadness, grief, worry, amusement, movies, drive-ins, new spices, and this sense of light and darkness in my life.
It’ll get hard again. I know this.
Right now, though, I have a sense of freedom I haven’t felt in months. Getting rid of so much clutter- mentally and physically. Knowing I can trust again, even if things went all wrong, that is a precious gift. Getting rid of my philosophy books and things in my home that remind me of a different lifetime.
Spending time, outside, in the light rain, with all that color around, I feel like I am ready to begin again.