Today is Imbolc. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a major holiday. One of eight on the Wheel. I got out of practicing these holidays a long time ago.
This year, I started at Samhain- New Year’s. Leaving the door open to forgiveness. To letting my heart be open to change.
Yule, I went on a massive emotional roller coaster and decided, again, to leave the door open to forgiveness. It was not the easiest decision I have made, because usually, when I actually decide to give up on something, I don’t ever open that door again, because it has ripped so much out of me that I can’t go on.
This morning, I woke to someone I love very much getting in touch. A goof. It was nice. The chat, over a while, turned to absolute crap, and I wound up back in bed, because I had just so many regrets sneak up and smack the willies out of my head, like a drunk playing knock ’em down with mailboxes and a 2×4. So many things I couldn’t say. Today or in the past.
It’s taken me all day to remember that it’s Imbolc.
I decided to let go. I have made this decision many times. I was so upset, remembering that I don’t have to take someone’s crap because they’ve had it bad. As bad as I have.
I wound up, in bed, reading a book.
It was a better use of my time and my day.
At the end of the book, it came to me, as it has before. Because I need these little lessons to cut and dig through me owning shit that really isn’t mine.
People do stupid things, all sorts of stupid, hurtful, selfish things in order to prevent from being alone. And that isn’t mine to take on.
People convince themselves that they are in love when they just want someone to take care of them or their kids or parents, that they have to win the approval of someone that will never give it, that they have to be “good” and perfect,” destroy friendships to prove they are a badass and don’t need anyone, do their damnedest to look at only the good from someone who goes out of their way to be destructive, or judge others so harshly there is no possible way of being human afterwards.
There isn’t anything I can say to any of that. Well, there is, but… I have to stop feeling guilty about what I didn’t say. Because living in guilt or living in fear or living in anger isn’t healthy for me or anyone around me, and all it will do is destroy any chance of happiness I could have. And because there were things I needed to hear that no one bothered to say, using excuses not to.
I have been that candle in the darkness, for others. I have to remember that, too. I have to remember that I don’t have to be a fruit loop- overly sweet and pointless- in order to “prove” to someone else that I care and “am worthy” and that, yes, I do love a lot of people. I am just not willing to be a doormat, as I have said, quite frequently. That it’s okay for me to be passionate.
It’s up to me to feed happiness. Mine. Others, if that person is important enough to me.
So, tonight, to celebrate Imbolc, the restarting of the spark of life, my life, celebrating the halfway point through the darkness, I am dancing. Giving voice. Breaking the silence. Howling out my heart. Lighting my candles. Looking at the five books I have in hard copy waiting for me on a table. Listening to Yuma Yuma Guy and Hamster Dance on YouTube. Down with the Sickness. Demons. Radioactive. Loves me like Jesus Does. Dirt on my Boots. YouTube’s Fallout 4 Soundtrack. Watching Yuma Yuma Guy again, because he’s just having a grand old time and nothin’ else matters.
Tonight, I dance. And accept the reset of the sparks in my heart. Tonight, I celebrate that I am strong enough to speak plainly. Without ceremony, practiced elegance, agenda, or hidden messages. That love is love and I will love without fear. That I will love without the cage of fear dragging me back into blackness. That I will stand and be. That I will dance.