Okay. So, what’s happening right now is- was half the point of starting this blog. PTSD. At the moment, I’m crashing and I’m so fucking proud of myself. I actually feel hungry, so I’m making something nutritious to eat. I’m not standing in a blistering hot shower. I’m not overgrooming. I’m not cutting into my skin. I’m not running for a pack of smokes. This is all good. I’m frustrated and angry.
I’ve had several small good things happen lately. I’ve been happy. I may have another piece of the puzzle for when my brain chems go off. Lack of folic acid. I’ve had a medical condition for 10 years now. Somewhat on the serious side. I know where some of it stems from, family issues and shit from my past. I had a severe vitamin D deficiency for a long time and I’m almost permanently anemic. So, the folic acid issue is a pretty good bet. So far, it’s been making a massive impact on my outlook. Noticeably, like only two other treatments in the past 10 years.
My therapist, from when I was a teenager, was awesome. As I’ve stated several times. Same as the doctor I currently have for medical stuff.
That I am hungry at the same time as being royally angry right now is a good thing. I actually feel hungry.
I know the person who tried to talk to me earlier meant well. But let me tell you something. When your voice has been muted repeatedly over the years when you say – “hey, I’m hurt and pissed off about something that I actually should be hurt and pissed off about” and the person you talk to tries to reason away what you feel, even though they mean well, it fucking sucks.
I’ve only said this a million times.
You learn in therapy how to tell the difference. When you’re actually hurt. Deep down hurt. This was really fucking hard for me, coming from a whole damned family of psychologists and therapists. They use logic (and yes, that is one of my red-bull red-flags waving in the air hot buttons) to explain, once again, that no, it’s not me and what happened has, yet again, nothing to do with me, but the lack within the other person.
So the fuck what?
Doesn’t change my pain. Doesn’t mean I deserve to get treated like shit. And the person who is telling me that there might be a reason the third person acted the way they did, while well meaning *another waving red flag*, yet again demonstrates that I don’t mean shit to them, either, because I’m being told, once again, that what I’m feeling isn’t anywhere near as important as the cause of the problem. Gee. Wonder why I’m numb half the time…
You know what? I don’t deserve to be pushed aside because someone else is afraid. ‘Cause if I can sit here, right now, and face down my worst fears and not do any of the bad habits I’ve done in the past, face down the pain threatening to take me over, face down the memories, face down the millions of times I’ve been verbally and psychologically been silenced by my so called adoring family, face down the sheer number of times when my own needs- not wants, not little pecadillos, not hey that would be cool- have been pushed aside because someone doesn’t get that while I don’t need much, I’m still not a fucking rock, face down not shutting down, face down the black hole I still feel inside no matter how whole and happy I can be, I don’t think there is a single person out there that has the right to tell me to suck it up simply because, yet again, it wasn’t personal.
And tomorrow, I will get back up, get out of bed, face the day, as though tonight never happened. As though the person I spoke to tonight didn’t say those things that treated me, once again, as though I am less than human and don’t have the right to have my own feelings, which is why I was hurt in the first place. The sarcasm is dripping in the back of my head- “thanks so much for compounding the problem.”
So, instead, I am going to be proud of myself for eating and not doing all sorts of fucked up shit to myself. I am going to watch Tim Minchin’s graduation speech again. Let it inspire me. And anyone out there with PTSD? You can get through it and be your own damned light. If you haven’t ever seen this speech, WATCH it. It’s become another one of my movie moments, healing up a lot of stupid, fucked up drama from my family.